Excited to be Damaged

 

I am excited to be damaged

Read that again, you heard me right.

I am excited to have had my brains bashed in a bit.

Nothing too gruesome. Never had to see a doctor to live.

But I did taste blue before wetting myself after hitting my head,

Bouncing off of my parents' condo's carpet

And I kept such a good secret, they never even knew about it.

Because through the looking glass is where I grew,

When I was doing things that normal teens don't normally do.

So, I am just lucky to be here writing this for you.

 

I am excited that I am forgetful. I will apologize when I ask the same question several days in a row.

When I ask the same questions several days in a row.

When I ask the same questions several days in a row.

 

And I stutter a bit through otherwise articulate conversation.

And I'll save face by admitting a fall from grace in many situations,

Acknowledging a stutter with some kind of witty observation.

Because I can't hide that I slipped up and now,

I don't give a... “What?”

Because self-scrutiny isn't worth my time

I'm even thankful when I awake in the middle of the night

Overcome with anxiety and filled with fright

All because I still have a few things to get off of my mind.

But I'm thankful for all this

Because I'm still alive.

 

So if you're reading this, and it speaks to you

Because one night he beat you black and blue

Violently scrutinizing everything that you do,

Please get out before he bloodies your teeth, won't you?
Because you'll have some scars

But ghosts and memories can't hurt you

Once you understand that they're something to be worked through.

 

So I'll tell ya 'bout it with a grin

'Cuz I don't care,

All of my experiences

Are why I am standing here.

I spent five years living with my darkest fears,

Almost all the things I thought could surly never happen to me.

Guess life gets weird when you think you're grown

Before the age of thirteen.

And by the time I was grown,

Things were not what they seemed.

I danced with the devil everyday of the week.

My will to live was becoming increasingly weak.

I was popping pain-killers and binging on wheat.

 

When the universe sent true love to me.

I quickly got out and got to focus on me,

And I'll tell you that it has been agonizing at times to be healing.

 

But I tell you that because it's worth it, if you're really hurting

You should stop and put the work in.

 

Because now, when I can't make it through the night

I grin and smile because I'm excited to be alive.

And when I bind up with jitters and fright,

I'm just excited to be alive.

Because I got lucky, and I got out

And even though I want to, I can't exactly tell you how

Because we're all so vastly unique

And there's no set, direct path.

But know that you can do it too,

As long as you still have breath in you to laugh.